There are a few things that I appreciate in life

And one of them is being able to have to friends that can easily sway me away from the stress I carry on my already heavy shoulders. It's these friends that give my life hope and keep my from doing anything stupid. I thank God everyday for these kind of friends. Because whether I beg for their time or try to push them away, they're always there for me.

So he says I'm pushing him away

I may be doing that, but you're actually giving me a reason to when I don't want to. You're the one that keeps denying my only request to see you. You always do this to me now, giving me the excuse that you're tired. I'm only asking for a few minutes, but you're not even giving me that. Do you know how that makes me feel? I may be over exaggerating on this, but I HATE when you do that to me. When you tell me know to the one thing I ask for. I want to see you more than anything. I can't help this feeling of wanting to see you everyday. Because you're so far away, I can't see you like I really want to. Seeing you in my head is not enough. I have to really see you. With my own two eyes. Why won't you give me at least that? At least one minute of seeing your beautiful face? You telling me that you don't want to talk to me through webcam not even for a few minutes hurts. It feels like you're telling me that you don't want to talk to me face to face, like you don't want to see me. And it hurts me more than I would like to. You complain I'm pushing you away. But what you don't know is that you're giving me a reason why. But I'll never tell you that. Because it will just lead to another fight or you feeling obligated to do it just because I said something about it. I'm tired of feeling like you're only doing things that I ask for after I tell you how I feel because you don't do it at first. You make me feel like you're only doing it just to shut me up or like it's an obligation. Until you realize what you're doing, I'm sorry but you're just going to have to face the fact that I'm furious at you and that talking to you ruins my day since I can't ask you if we can talk through webcam because I already know your answer.

Why do I even bother asking ?

I'm just gonna keep getting the same answer. I'm not even disappointed that I keep getting a no. Even when I ask, I expect the answer to be "I'm tired". What's the use? I'm just going to make myself sad asking. This is why I just want to stop asking all together. Because it's not like he'll ever say yes these days. Might as well just keep this desire to see his face to myself now. It's not like it's going to do anything. It'll only just ruin my mood entirely and make me feel completely uninterested in anything else about today. I quit. Why bother?

Just saw my old crush's facebook

And it's one of those moments where I think to myself, "what the hell did I see in him?"

I'm thinking about a change

Or at least something more serious. Tumblr isn't giving me justice with posting about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe this will do me a better satisfaction of letting myself be me. Because on tumblr, I don't feel like me as much as I would love to. I feel like I have to work harder to get people to like me there than just being myself. Maybe with this blog, I'll be more serious about myself. Maybe here I'll take myself more seriously. My heart and mind both need that calm relaxation from all the stress I have to deal with in my puny life.